You & The Cap'n Make it Happen

On a few occasions, during my brief pirate subculture experimentation, I have fooled with other rums, such as this. Oh God. Puke.

If you want to be drunk and sick like a Boston Irishman celebrating St. Patty's day, go ahead and buy the cheapest rot gut, like the aforementioned local New England Variatal, available at such fine establishments as Supreme Liquors, in the Boston area. (And thankfully, not available in any other region of the globe.)

However, if you don't want to be too buzzed, too soon, and you'd like to savor the taste of your alcohol, and drink a quality beverage that's smooth going down--as opposed to setting your insides on fire like Malibu, et al.-- than spring for Captain Morgan. There may actually be substitutes, but from what I know, this is the best, smoothest rum available. It's not the pirate's rum for sure, but it's a drink ladies and men can enjoy together. I don't necessarily feel like I'm drinking a girly drink when I choose Captain and Coke, though maybe I am. Too bad. You won't see me giving a shit, as I am a very infrequent drinker anyway, and don't care what other people think about what I drink, if other people are even around to care. Yes, like the rich elitists who run the world, 75% of my minute, controlled drinking occurs within my private residence, in private moments of relaxation and contemplation, where at least the toilet is not far off, if I should accidentally mis-manage my hydration, eating, and teeth brushing before falling asleep.

The stuff is pretty damn expensive though, and therein lies the financial difficulty for lower class blokes like us. You might be better off with good old PBR, if you just want to just have a rousing good time. If you can stomach the stuff. It's cheap, and vegan, too. But don't do the cheap rum or vodka thing to your body and liver. It's like jet fuel. It'll chemically burn your insides. For real.

Frankly, I think I should be proud that my tolerance level is low. That I can safely look you in the eyes and say "I am neither a drunk[ard] nor an alcoholic."

For the rest of you, raise your glasses of Captain with glee, you lushes! And don't say I didn't warn you when you have to repay it all to the ceramic goddess.


I'm also a certified bartender, probably the rude, antisocial asshole that just wants to get you drunk and gone, and won't talk to you except to ask if you want a final round or are ready to close it out. But I don't know, because I don't work in a bar. Thankfully. Because all we both know all you drunken jokers aren't good for much of a tip, if you are even good for the tab. But, the point is, I have been trained a thing or two about alcohols, and I know when I'm being served a substitute, though the bartender is supposed to disclose that they don't have your desired top shelf choice, and I know it's illegal.

Thanks a lot for your interest, folks.


In conclusion: "I don't always drink [rum,] but when I do, I prefer Captain Morgan." -> Inspired by Tecate ads featuring some Don Juan or other.